“It’s Not You, It’s My Ass”

June 6, 2012

You know, when I was married I knew one thing for a fact–that statement “It’s not you, it’s me”—totally didn’t apply to my marriage. It was absolutely the opposite. I knew for certain it was ENTIRELY: “It’s NOT me, it’s YOU.” And, it was. totally. No issues there. He was an ass, he treated me badly, and now he’s mad I’m gone. No one to blame but himself.

However, ever since I’ve been dating, it seems like I attract the crazies. The nuts, the clingers, the pee-ers, the scammers, the losers, the creepy-strangle-you-and-stuff-you-like-a-deer-creepies. I seem to attract all of them. If it isn’t one fucktard it’s another douchy-mc-douche. At first I thought, maybe it is my judgment, but then I thought of waking up in pee, being asked for cash, and being chased by a stage 5 clinger, and nope, it isn’t my judgment. I think I was entirely right to NOT date those “men.” I re-checked my profiles and even got some second opinions, and nothing abnormal (read stalker-attracting) there. Even my pics are normal–and nope–no “CALLING ALL CRAZIES” on my forehead.

So, what’s the common denominator? It’s me.

It has to be. What other explanation could there be? What am I doing wrong? It’s like I’ve been putting out the batcall in the sky on the regular for asswipes and dumbfucks. Please, someone, tell the old butler dude to stop meddling, kick him in the shin, unplug the red phone, sell the fireman’s pole, and for FUCKS sake, turn the batcall off.

The funny thing is, after the pee-er, I kind of thought my dating issues with bodily bathroom functions was over. You know how I’m always saying I’m wrong about these assumptions. Fast forward to me being wrong. Tonight.
Explode-a-buttinski

So, I started talking to another guy on eharmony.

(Please note, I am still waiting on tugboy, who will be getting around to going out with me soon. I’m sure that date will be a little slice of heavenly bloggable material. He, however, is still texting, emailing, and regularly kicking my ass online in games. And I’m still pissed about it. Still no word on why he confessed his rubatugtug, and he’s still in love with himself. If I hear about how one more person said he was awesome, I might have to refer him to therapy. Luckily, I know someone with a therapist on speeddial (see pee-boy) Ahem.

Ok, back to new guy. He seems nice, kind of a teddy bear sort. He is also divorced. We had oodles of fun talking on the phone, although if I had to guess I would say he either is kind of dating stupid, or just not that into me. I would ask him a question, and he would answer. Now the usual thing would be to ask the same thing in return. Not this guy.

Me: Oh, what did you major in in college?

Dater: Environmental studies.

Me: Oh that sounds interesting.

Awkward silence.

Me: So, do you like what you do now for work?

Dater: Yeah, I love it.

Silence.

You get the picture. Most people would have asked me back what my major was (instead of bashing a certain major to me for like 10 minutes–at which point I pointed out to him that that major he loved to joke about, was my major. Had he asked, he would have avoided that foot in mouth moment.) Good job.

Anthropology is a fine major. Fuck you. moving on.

Anyway, we go out. Now, I drive to NJ, pay the tolls (teetering at over $20 at this point), pay for gas (which is beyond ridiculously high, for $4.26 a gallon, someone should be giving me oral sex, or at least rotating my tires–for serious–I mean, shit, I do always pull into the “Full Service” filling area. heh. now that’s the kinda full service I’m talking about). I did put on my profiles that I was in NJ, and did say I was fine with coming to NJ. So, fine, NJ here I come. EZpass, work that shit.

He meets me at walgreens, where I had stopped b/c I was early and needed a lint brush and a card. He found me de-dog hairing my cardigan. Sexy look for me, no doubt. I know how to make a good first impression, clearly. (also explains the face and hello he gave me that totally screamed, “ugh this chick is weird I’m gonna get my toothpaste and go home”) So, knee deep in dog hair and sticky paper, he goes in and buys toothpaste while I wait in my car. Hey, ok, fine, I appreciate good dental health. At least he USES toothpaste. I gotta pick my battles….

We had picked Indian food, but he asked if we could try something less wild since his tummy was acting up. No problem I said. In the car I tease him that if he hates me, is that going to be his way out? To say that his tummy is acting up and he has to go home? His escape plan? Lol. We laugh, and laugh, and then, the universe sees a way to make a jackass out of me. (wait for it….)

So he picks Thai. Not the most logical choice, but ok, I’m game. Then he picks a spicy dish. Now, if your stomach is acting up, so much so that you can’t handle trying a new cuisine, maayyyybeeeee you shouldn’t get the super spicy chili seafood dish. Just maybe. A little. SUPER! SPICY! CHILI! SEAFOOD! Which one of those words did you miss buddy? I tried to warn him, but no.

I also offered him a taste of my meal, which he accepted twice. Didn’t reciprocate. (Chivalry AND generosity AND manners? How has someone not snatched this gem up yet?). Although he did open some doors, which I of course reciprocated with the reach over in the car/car door thing. So, any points he scored, were summarily cross out by my reciprocation. Bitchydater giveth, bitchydater taketh away.

The check comes, and I believe a girl should always at least offer, and be willing to pay her half, but of course a first date it is often that the guy feels he should pay, or even wants to pay. (especially when half his eharmony profile is about how chivalry is not dead, and how he is all like that and shit. and shit is right. Oh, and when the girl just paid way more than half the dinner in tolls and gas to see him, ok whatever). So I offer. And he is like is this a test? I laugh (because, really who is this dumb?) He goes OK!! So, I pay half of dinner. fml lol. All in all, I think this date cost me about 3 times more than him. And I did all the work lol.

After dinner he suggests ice cream. Now, he had suggested it earlier, and I explained I didn’t really like ice cream. Then at dinner when he suggested it again, I re-explained that I didn’t really like ice cream or sweets. At all. In fact, I even explained that I usually felt sick after eating them.

So, of course, where does he drive to? To the ice cream place. Shoulda seen that one coming. I let him pay for that one. Especially since I DIDNT WANT ANY ICE CREAM. Ugh. I had like two bites of something gross. He inhaled his, and for the first time tonight, I saw love in his eyes. At first I thought something was wrong, and then I realized, he was just really really into his ice cream.

Yes, I don’t like ice cream much. Get over it. I also hate yogurt. Blasphemy! I know.

At the close of ice cream, he mentions to me that he—here it comes—-has to go home or there will be an incident. Involving his ass. Apparently, the spicy thai food (you know, the stuff I warned against) has irritated his already delicate-like-a-flower tummy and if we don’t leave soon, there will be an explosion. A bad one. He also lets me know in no uncertain terms, that he “can poop at home and at work, but not in public.” Good to know.

On the way back he says that he has heard that it is better to beg forgiveness later rather than to ask for permission, but that he was going to do the opposite anyway. (Meaning I guess that it was better to tell me his ass was about to explode and create a firestorm of spicy thai seafood shit everywhere, than to make up some other excuse to get himself home and ask for forgiveness later???) He says that he hopes he made the right decision on that one.

Newsflash. You made the wrong decision. Totally. 100000000% wrong decision there, sunshine.

I mean, he could have made something up, hell ANYTHING. His hamster died and he has to get home, he has to call his mom, he left the gas on the stove, he has to jerk off at exactly 9pm nightly, I mean, I would have taken ANY excuse. ANYTHING. I’d have worked with him, even let him get away with some dumb bullshit. Because really, ANYTHING is better than “I gotta go home and blow up my bathroom or my ass will explode RIGHT here RIGHT now” on a first date. T. M. I.

But he keeps saying, really it’s not you, it really isn’t, I’m having fun, my stomach is just acting up and I have to go home to the bathroom.

Sooooo, what he was saying essentially was . . . it’s not me, it’s his ass? awesome.

We get to his house, and he kisses me goodnight. and then…he suggested I wait. for him. to crap.

He suggested I either sit in my car and wait for him, sit inside with his like 10 roommates while he poops (like that won’t be an awkward introduction, “uhh here’s my date, can she sit here for like 10 minutes while I take an exploding crap? Thanks guys!,” or stand outside b/c it isn’t “that buggy” out tonight. Then he would come back (let’s pray he has good handwashing techniques, because I sure as hell am not going in to supervise! fml), and resume making out. Which he would like to do either in my car or in his room. On a first date. Hmmmmm, yeah, not so much. I suggested that I should go, it was already, um, 9:30pm, after all. lol. So he walks me to my car.

Then he made out with me like I was dinner. Again. I hope this meal didn’t also irritate his ass. I’d hate to cause a second explosion in his pants. (let’s hope he is a tighty whitey guy and not a boxer guy–to hold all that crap inside the pants)

He texted me later and joked that I might blog about the night. I said noooo I won’t blog about it. Never…Noooo neverrrr. What’s there to blog about? Yes, and I’m a virgin and waiting for marriage. Oh wait, too late. Yeeeeaaahhh, I’m sooooo blogging about your ass. (in all its exploding glory).

So, to recap:

four sentences for my date tonight.

1. My date ended at 9:30pm tonight.

2. Even though I paid tolls and gas to NJ (and received no oral sex/tire rotation), we still split dinner.

3. Even thought I told him I hate ice cream, we went to an ice cream parlor and had ice cream.

4. The date ended early because the spicy thai food caused his ass to explode.

that is all.

Another one for the success column! He wants to know when date #2 is.

um. about that.

(how’s a quarter past never, does that work for you?)

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