Warning: Stage 5 Clinger….

July 11, 2011

So, after Sir Pees a Lot was removed from my life (and my bedsheets bleached and bleached some more–thank GOODNESS for the 2 waterproof mattress protectors I use–yay Ikea), which is now his formal name for having peed in my bed, I kind of thought that the karma meter was going to swing in my favor. I thought wrong.

Day 3 of superawesomefingfantastic online dating was a shocker, even for me. Let me lay it out for you. On tonight’s line up we have, TheStage 5 Clinger, The Scammer, The Older-But-Still-Thinks-He’s-All-That-Lothario, The AC/same shirt Wild Child, and the other usual horn dogs, jerks, and weirdos. And maybe a handful of nice guys thrown in. (don’t get too excited now, I’m sure they’ll rear their ugly heads shortly).  Hey!  Get your head out of the gutter!  Moving on.   Let’s also not discount the throngs of rejection and crickets from today’s recap. Ahhh, how I like my love life, with a side of you-gotta-be-Fing-shitting-me. Awesomeness.

Here goes!

The AC/same shirt Wild Child & Friends:

Soooo our first contender of the day, Eharmony, yielded today’s only decent guy. He seems nice, he’s fun, friendly, normal. He is cute, and in spite of my better (rational) judgment, I like him. Basically, either I’m in a fugue state, or I just haven’t figured out what’s wrong with him yet. We’ll see.

The other guy, the AC/same shirt Wild Child, you remember him, well, he turns out to also be an AVID bowler, a bad dancer, a self described creep standing up against the wall staring instead of dancing, and even sports his very own custom bowling ball. Now, sure my wow meter is going off. But instead, I am going to pretend to be adult and choose to find it charming. Hey, maybe I can get my ball out of the gutter (haahaa, yeah right, I’m alllllways in the gutter heehee). Well, either way, he seems nice, and hey I secretly love the discovery channel, so we all have our weird quirks.   (Hmm, this is a very ballcentric post…I gotta stop watching porn.  Seriously.)  I’ve also been known to prune a rose bush at 3:30am, so you know, who am I to judge. Custom ball away. I mean, he didn’t mention custom bowling shoes, so I’m still in the win column. And really, have you seen discovery channel lately? That shit is addictive. I mean, I sit down to watch a half an hour of tv, and boom, 6 hours later I haven’t done a damm thing but I know everything there is to know about giant squids. (which really, are super fascinating, I mean, did you know their eyeballs were like grapefruits! Yah. creepville.  Imagine seeing that on your next disneysnorkel “adventure”). Anyway, so I plan to entertain either of these gentlemen, should they care to indulge me.  (and by entertain, I mean the go on a date and maybe give a kiss or peck goodnight depending on how it goes, and not in the strip and dance for dollardollarbillsyo kinda way).  Just to be clear.  I mean, shit, what do you think this is–a second date? haahaa.  I kid, I kid.

On the other hand, I still have “no new matches” all day long and I’m starting to take it personally. And they had the GALL to put a button on my page, on the second day of my account being open–and after I paid for 3 months up front, that says “Extend your subscription now!” What, like it’s running out on day 3? Or like I’m just taking the place by storm? How about this, Eharmony, how about you take that subscription dinero I sent your way (up front mind you–while you hold out) and wrangle up some matches for me. I live in one of the largest cities ever–NY, and I’m open to as far as PA and CT. Um, hello. It says it bases it on geographic area, preferences like smoking, drinking, and wanting kids. So, hey, you’re telling me no one else in the extended tri-state area is  a smoker/non-smoker, ok with some drinking, and wants kids eventually? Yikes. I guess those census people need a do-over. Either that or you’re holding out. I know you have matches under all that html and pretty graphics. SPILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cheap bastards.

The Older-But-Still-Thinks-He’s-All-That-Lothario:

Moving on to Match. Here’s where the real fun begins. So, the previously mentioned The Older-But-Still-Thinks-He’s-All-That-Lothario, you know, the one with the kid who wants to feed me fruit and wine and wants to (oh, ever so graciously) let me “take advantage of him” (what a giver!) on our first (ha!) date–which in his fantastyland involves us skinny dipping. (cold day in hell, sunshine). I wonder how many other women he is laying it on thick with. Probably oodles. Anyway, he said hello a few times, the usual constant barrage of telling me how sexy I am, and how he hopes I’m sensual, and (the icing on the cake) how he “teehee is a nibbler” and hopes I don’t mind. Wink Wink.

Yeah, I got your wink wink right here buddy.

The Stage 5 Clinger:

Then there was the The Stage 5 Clinger. Ugh. He looks so normal on the outside, and comes off so crazy on the inside. Tasty. He’s the kind of guy who seemed just enthused and excited to meet you at first, but then, slowly, he started to get a BIT much. And by a bit, I mean a shitton. He’s that guy who you just know is going to be driving past your house 18 times an hour, sending mushy cards all the time, leaving stuffed animals on your doorstep, hanging on you like a wet blanket in public, and telling you he loves you during the first or second date. Sure, women like a man to be sweet, thoughtful, and romantic. But this guy is more like stalker, nutjob, and overly in love with love.

I started to notice, as we chatted, that he kept bringing up cuddling. Now, who doesn’t like a little cuddle. Granted, I’d rather cuddle at times other than after sex (I’m liable to fall asleep after good sex, come on, men do, why can’t I? Actually, once I fell asleep during oral sex (receiving, not giving, lol, although that would have been WAY funnier, come on…picture it…aahaahaaa, sooo ok, fine, maybe I took it too far that time.) But still, our ENTIRE conversation shouldn’t be about how he wants to cuddle with me, how he can’t with to cuddle with me, how fun cuddling with me would be, how he can’t stop thinking about cuddling with me. GEEEEZ. I get it! You love cuddling!!!! I’m pretty sure even my dogs know at this point. WE GET IT. I’m considering telling him I hate cuddling. See how that goes. This time I saved the chat we had, so I have the juicy gems to share. A few of my favs, after saying hello he opens with,

Stage 5 Clinger: I thought about you all day today
Me: Oh, what did you think about?
Stage 5 Clinger: I thought about whispering poetry to you. I totally want to cuddle with you. (shocker)
Me: Oh. That’s nice.
Stage 5 Clinger: Are you smiling right now babe? (whoa, day 2 of internet chatting and I’ve reached “babe” status. RED FLAG RED FLAG RUN GO GO GO!!!)
Me: Uh, sure. (but not b/c of you, weirdo.  All you’re inducing is my gag reflex)
Stage 5 Clinger: I’d caress your smile. (um, that wouldn’t be creepy or anything, right).
Me: Anything else besides cuddling?
Stage 5 Clinger: talking and sweet kisses (you don’t say. what else did I expect. fml)

Over the course of an hour and a half of very sporadic chatting, he told me he wanted to cuddle or was thinking of cuddling etc. with me 13 times. In fact, he talked about hardly anything BUT cuddling. During our very first chat ever, he waited a mere 4 minutes to start talking about how he loves cuddling and wants to cuddle me. (Hang on, I have to go throw up now).

However, he did round out the conversation with an especially lovely thought.  He told me, lovingly, “I love pleasuring the derriere.”  Heh.  I bet you do.  Spectacular.

The Scammer:

So, remember our other friend from Match? The one who has the kid, poor english skills, and is looking for a mommy for his kid? Well, he chatted me up for the second time online and immediately, I got that gut feeling. I knew something was up. For some reason, I got this feeling he was going to ask me for money. But, who, seriously would do that from a dating site after like 20 minutes of having known each other? No one right? Right. I was totally being ridiculous and paranoid. Maybe this internet dating this was taking a toll already.

Recall he told me he was away on business, and after saying hello, said he “wasn’t that fine actually.” Ahhhh, here it comes. I thought at first, maybe he isn’t feeling well, maybe his kid is sick, maybe his flight was delayed or some trouble at work. Maybe anything other than what my gut was screaming in my ear. THIS MAN IS GOING TO ASK YOU FOR MONEY. Noooooo. Yesssssssss. 2 minutes later he told me he was having financial troubles, and even though he had “plenty of money in the States,” (don’t we all?) he was having some cash issues in the small unnameable remote village he was working in. (sounds legit, I mean, I usually travel to unnamed places with not much cash to get by.  Hey, you should seeeeeeee what a boobflash can get you around there.  It’s like visa, and yes, I don’t leave home without them).  Hmmm, haven’t I gotten an email like this in the past? You know send me money to save the King’s money that he can’t get because of some tax thing, and you’ll be rich. Or send us money and you just pay shipping and get to keep the rest, oh stupid American, please help this poor scammer from the other side of the world rip you off.

And then it happened.

“Hey, can you give me $100?” Sayyyyyyyyyy whatttttttttt? That’s right, this man from Match asked me for money. I reported his sorry ass. Now, maybe he was in a bind, and I can understand that, but he has someone here watching his kid (like he has a kid, or is really from here for that matter), and he has family and friends. I suggested he asked one of them for some help if he was in a bind rather than a woman he met yesterday on a dating site. Wow, and here I was worried online dating would be a hot mess.

You know, I did get one of those emails one time–that was really impressive. I mean, it allllmost had me fooled! It was an email to inform me that I had died (so nice of them to let me know!!!), and here’s the kicker, they wanted me to CONFIRM I had died. Now, if I was dead…….see the problem? lol. And really, if I was tooling around in the afterlife, you think I would be wasting my time checking email? I mean, let’s see, check pedestrian email, or float around on clouds and chill with angels. Hmm, tough call. And even still, how could I respond? Dead people don’t email, and I hear ghosts have a tough time with the typing thing. I think they lost something in the translation from scammerlanguage to english. They said I needed to confirm so I could receive the money that was in my name in their country (that I had never been to, how awesome, random money that just appears in your name, coolness).

So, of course, I emailed them back post haste and told that I had in fact died, and to please send me the cash ASAP! I explained the afterlife was more expensive than I had anticipated, and that extra moola would sure come in handy.

Turns out, blowjobs in heaven just don’t carry the same weight as they do in the living world. 😉

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2 Responses to “Warning: Stage 5 Clinger….”

  1. Thes reminds me of the remake of Bedazzled, especially “The Clinger.”

  2. Thanks for this tremendous post, I am glad I discovered this internet site on yahoo.

give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh....

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