Day 2 of dating hell

July 9, 2011

So, the first day came and went, and while I felt disheartened like a kid who waits for the ice cream truck that never comes on that sweltering day, I chalked it up to being day 1.  Fast forward to today, the illustrious day 2.

First, I checked Eharmony.  Ok, let me stop lying, I never logged off since 9am.  I refresh it like it must be broken.  Because really, with 3 gazillion people on dating websites, how do I have “no matches found”?  Doesn’t that seem a WEE BIT strange?  Sure, I’m not the hottest, and this sarcastic biting humor isn’t for everyone, but I’m not asking for everyone, I’m asking for ANYONE.  Seriously.  So, let me walk you through the a few “matches” I had over the 2 days.  Now, let me clarify, it is what Eharmony thinks is a match for you.  They seem to ignore things like body type, and appearance preferences–and I know, I know, it is really what is inside that counts, but you do need chemistry–and sadly, most people make snap judgments based on looks.  So, that being said, you know where this is going.  When I first signed up, I had a few immediate matches who initiated contact–aka sent the first set of “get to know you questions.”  I thought my answers were swell–honest, I used my inside voice, I was on my best behavior, not even a single biting comment! Apparently I was wrong b/c two of them closed the connection (ouch, rejection on day one, what a bitch!), some didn’t respond at all, and the rest slowly fell by the wayside.  A few I had to nix myself, and some nixed me.  Two went to the second set of questions.  One has not responded since, so I’m going to rationalize that he really, really wanted to but must have had an accident/died/or something else that made him unable to reply.  The other guy, well, he is ok.  I mean, he isn’t super attractive, but he seems like a decent person, and who am I to not give someone a chance.  And well, it’s not like my eharmony door is being kicked down, that’s for sure with their “no matches for you” thing.  In my (weak) defense, I realize that they only send you a few potential matches a day that way you keep hanging on and renewing as the months go by.  I get it, but dammit, it is dumb.  I would rather pay a closing fee, like in real estate.  Listen, you buy, you pay a commission.  I’d be down with that, just give me all the matches NOW and stop raining on my self esteem!  Geez.  I’m sure the other sites use the same protocols, but even though I know it, it doesn’t not hurt when I see the “no one loves you” thing on the page.  (Ok, it doesn’t say that, but it might as well have!)

OK, so back to my eharmony guy.  In response to those questions he had to tell me about the most spontaneous thing he has ever done.  He said, hmm, –shit, it was so boring I already forgot.  Hang on, let me log in to the website and go check.  Ok, I’m back.  He said, that one time on a weeknight he went out for pizza, and had to go to work in the same clothes the next day because he was coming straight from AC.  Hey!  Wake up, I know, that story put you to sleep.  So, I’m assuming the pizza place was in AC?  Or maybe he made a wrong turn?  Delivery guy got way lost?  He wanted deep dish?  I don’t know.  All I know, is that was some boring shit.  I’m sure he is nice, and I’ll say yes to a date (hey, worst case I’ll tell you about it), but man, I don’t know if I can handle all that excitement.  Maybe he is livelier in person?  Or asleep?

So, on to Match.  Ahh, let the self esteem destructor, uhhh, I mean online dating service begin.  So, day 1 and 2,  I had 50 men view my profile.  My pages says “you have: no new emails, no new winks, no new voice calls.”  I’m sensing a theme.  Ok, I did have one email tonight from a man older than I’m willing to entertain, who lives in IL.  Which is fine, unless I live in NYC.  Which I do.  And unless he wrote his entire email (except his name—hilarious twist there buddy) in ALL CAPS.  Which he did.  Stellar.  Then I had a wink from a man who I emailed who is working on his second language (English), and has a child.  He is looking for a mom for his son.  Now, I love kids, but I’m not sure I’m ready to pour myself into a insta-mom get up.  I mean, if I loved the guy, sure, but searching a dating site for a mom to raise your kid, seems, well creepy.  The other winker who also IMed me, was at the high end of my age limit (so, ok, I’ll bite), but liked to call me Ms. (insert my first name), and talked only about wanting to feed me strawberries, grapes, red wine, and take me skinny dipping where I could, as he suggested if I was “lucky” take advantage of him.  Oh, rapture!  He also has a kid (a teenager no less) from his “ex wife, not his ex gf he just got free from.”  I know this because he asked me how long I’d been out of prison–meaning divorced.  Sounds like a keeper.  And last, but not least, let’s not forget the guy with the fake photo who spams everyone, including me (got me all excited too, the fake pic was smexy!), and asked me to chat him on yahoo for some “fun.”  Oooh, sorry buddy, fresh out.

And now on to fun land, aka POF.  Man the emails I get…lol.  I have TONS of men checking out my profile.  I liked it when POF emailed me telling me that while I hadn’t logged on since yesterday, I had like 76 men check my profile out.  The only slightly alarming thing was that I was logged on at the time I received that email.  Someone needs to look at their website workings.  I also had been emailing, browsing, and searching since yesterday, but oh well.  Anyway, it was true, over 76 men had checked me out!  And there was a budding list of men who were “interested.”  Unfortunately, most were more interested in an “intimate encounter” with my boobalicious boobies, than a date with the mammary owner.  I did originally check off that I was not interested in being contacted for boomboom, but I guess that setting fell by the wayside just like my logging in and activity logs.  There was however a nice diversity of shots taken by men in bathrooms–what’s a site like that without some prime bathroom pics?  You know what they say, location, location, location!  Seriously, why must they all take pics of themselves in the bathroom?  When I did venture onto a more, let’s say, liberal site, ahem, I found that without fail, most men had a I-took-this-pic-of-my-junk-in-the-bathroom-near-the-toilet-you-love-it-right shots on their pages.  Is it because they are cheating and that is the only place to get a private shot?  Or is it the convenience factor, like well, I already had it out when I peed…so the next logical move is to take some pics to memorialize the event?  Either way, you can get your fill online, go sign up!

As I browse through the pages, I can’t help but comment.  The guy whose tag line is “You’re gonna love me” just makes me cringe.  Yeah, pretty sure it is a safe bet I won’t.

And who doesn’t abhor the guy who says “You won’t be disappointed”–which 1000% means I will be entirely, and probably repeatedly, disappointed.  (I winked him, just for the hell of it, and low and behold, I was disappointed.) lol.  And he was an opera singer.  I’m not even sure where to go with that.  He looked more like the band director, but ok, whatevs.  lol.  I’m tempted to write him and express my disappointment.  Someone should.

Then there was the guy who sent me the one word email.  “Cute.”  If there was ever a sure fire way to not get someone’s attention, it would have to be spending less than a millisecond in composing your sole contact with them.  I wrote back, “thanks.”  Then he asked if we could hang out b/c he really liked me.  Clearly, he learned so much from the “thanks,” that you should check back on the blog tomorrow for the save the date card.

Next up, I had a guy yesterday tell me, again in all caps, that I was the MOST beautiful woman he has EVER seen.  Wow.  Someone needs to get out more.  (and learn to work the caps lock button).

I was almost redeemed by the most recent email I received.  It seemed normal, genuine, albeit completely canned and you know 300 women a day are getting the exact same email (which somehow cheapened the compliment of how “drop dead gorgeous” I am, but shit, I’ll take it).  He won’t post a picture though, because he doesn’t want it sold and used elsewhere on the internet.  He must either be a real looker, or a REAL LOOKER, lol.  (or married).  I mean, I don’t think POF is clamoring to use my face in a toothpaste ad, but hey, I could be wrong I guess.  I do have a nice smile (allegedly, I think it looks like a rectangle, but what can you do).  Maybe a happy rectangle.  Anyway, a huge turn off for me is the ones that can’t spell.  If you’re looking for your “sepcial someone,” well, good luck there sunshine.  I bet she’s out there; check tanning salons.  I’ve already forgotten the rest of them, but they were funny.  You’re going to have to take my word for it.  I’ll write them down tomorrow.  😉

So, that was day 1 and 2.  I will point out that as I wrote this I had 5 more men view me on match.  Guess how many wrote, winked, or called.  Yep, you guessed it, zip, zilch, zero.  Then, since it is a new day (past midnight), Eharmony has sent my new matches.  It still says “no new matches” (I swear, they’re doing it just to spite me), but I have 7 new matches according to the site.  Which means I can look forward to 7 new rejections tomorrow.  Oh, goody!

I know what you’re thinking, she’s so negative!  She won’t meet anyone with that attitude!  Oh poooo poooo.  I keep this attitude for you, and portray the upbeat happy woman I am (I can be both! lol), and I’m not negative.  I’m a realist.  It is not the same thing.  I’m facing crickets and ALL CAPS online, so you know what, I’m going to have to take it as it is, and accept it.  Maybe I should hit up that tanning salon, I hear a “sepcial” someone might be stopping by….

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3 Responses to “Day 2 of dating hell”

  1. BUT YOU ARE MOST BEUTFUL AMERICAN WOMAN?? Sorry, I couldn’t resist that. This may be some of the best writing I’ve found in days. (Sorry- I meant months… really…) I truly hope this is mostly fiction because no one deserves that much bad luck. I’m only worried that now you’ll find that special someone and be happy and stop writing!

give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh....

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